mighty_aphrodite

I am reeeeeeeeeeeeeally stressed out right now. Totally stressed. About to lose my mind, actually. Why? Because I have a million things I have to do and no time/money to do them. I have huge credit card debts, for one. I have two months worth of phone and energy bills not paid. We owe a hefty sum to the hospital. Really hefty. I have two months to find a place to live in Minneapolis and a job for my husband, and to find the money to put down the deposit and first month's rent on said apartment. I have to clean out my apartment and hope I can get the place presentable enough to get our current deposit back. And as of right now, I have no clue what I'm doing with this whole grad school thing. I don't know what paperwork I have to fill out (aside from the immunization record). I don't know how to go about getting my insurance. I don't know when I'm going to register, or anything.

I'm getting so friggin' stressed that all of my old problems are coming back. To be quite honest, they've been rearing their ugly heads for some time now. My sex drive is next to nil. I don't want to be at home alone. Whenever I get upset all the bad things that have happened to make me upset in the past four years come back to haunt me. The same goes when I'm having trouble sleeping. I almost always relive that ugly scene when I quit Orientation, and when I left CIC after two weeks. These memories almost always include times I've been yelled at by an authority figure. And the thing is, I know these people yelling at me were overreacting and being unnecessarily authoritarian. Yet I also know that they had some small, legitimate greivance with me. So I have a really hard time telling myself that the these incidents were totally undeserved. I can't move past them. Hell, I still get flashbacks of the time my first grade teacher yelled at me for telling a kid there was no Santa Claus (I didn't do it out of spite, I was just the kind of kid who liked to show I was smarter than everyone else.) When I messed up writing down my schedule and didn't show up for work on Thursday, Lori was really nice about it, but still, all this stuff came to overpower me again. I'm not sleeping well. Either I have trouble sleeping, or I sleep fine but wake up not feeling rested. I would really like to be medicated, but I'm unsure about whether that is advisable when I'm going to be pregnant in September.

And yes, I totally get that perhaps pregnancy is not a good idea in my present state, especially just going in to grad school. But I can't let my problems rule my life. I have plans for my future and I'm sticking to them. There are other factors at play here, and other people besides myself I have to think of. And I want this.

I am afraid to go to work tonight. Why? Becasue I was the clumsiest, most idiotic person ever there last night, and I don't want to face anybody. First, I broke the key to the kiosk cash register--while it was still locked. The owner (the one whom I had not yet met until then) had to drive down from Cedar Rapids with the spare. Until he came, I had to ask people for exact change. Great first impression. Then, as I was closing, I dropped my cash drawer and it spilled everywhere. I was late getting back to the store as a result, holding up the shift leader from getting off work. Then I realized that I had forgotten to print off the revenue reoprt, which I had to go back and retreive, further holding us both up from getting to go home. I wanted to cry. Not that Lacey and the owner weren't really nice about it, but I felt terrible for causing so much trouble. Hopefully, tonight goes off without any problems. At least after tonight, I won't be closing the kiosk every friggin' night.

So I got a new job. Yes, another one. I'm going to give tours at the Old Capitol when it reopens, which I think is both a cool job and a good resume builder if I ever want to go for a museum job. The only thing is, unless I put off graduation until August and take a summer course so I can get more work study, I only get to keep the job through May 20. So I think I'm going to go ahead and do that so I can take French for reading. This way, I'll be building my resume AND getting my french requirement out ofthe way for grad school (if the course transfers and I get a B or better in it,I don't have to take the French translation exam at Minnesota!). And the other new job (cookies at the mall) is also great. I sit there for hours at the kiosk and do my homework, only occasionally waiting on customers. And they are thinking of training me to close the store and count money and all that good stuff, because I am neither untrustworthy nor an idiot (which they tell me some others have been). Whatever.
I finally feel like my life is going somewhere... even if somewhere means Minnesota. I'll finally be able to get on with what I really want to study. I'll have insurance, and liveable income, and a puppy. I can start my family, David can get a real job, and we can finally move on from our college-student-subsistence-lifestyle on to something (hopefully) better. I'm feeling pretty good.