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May. 22nd, 2006 08:12 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
mighty_aphroditeI am reeeeeeeeeeeeeally stressed out right now. Totally stressed. About to lose my mind, actually. Why? Because I have a million things I have to do and no time/money to do them. I have huge credit card debts, for one. I have two months worth of phone and energy bills not paid. We owe a hefty sum to the hospital. Really hefty. I have two months to find a place to live in Minneapolis and a job for my husband, and to find the money to put down the deposit and first month's rent on said apartment. I have to clean out my apartment and hope I can get the place presentable enough to get our current deposit back. And as of right now, I have no clue what I'm doing with this whole grad school thing. I don't know what paperwork I have to fill out (aside from the immunization record). I don't know how to go about getting my insurance. I don't know when I'm going to register, or anything.
I'm getting so friggin' stressed that all of my old problems are coming back. To be quite honest, they've been rearing their ugly heads for some time now. My sex drive is next to nil. I don't want to be at home alone. Whenever I get upset all the bad things that have happened to make me upset in the past four years come back to haunt me. The same goes when I'm having trouble sleeping. I almost always relive that ugly scene when I quit Orientation, and when I left CIC after two weeks. These memories almost always include times I've been yelled at by an authority figure. And the thing is, I know these people yelling at me were overreacting and being unnecessarily authoritarian. Yet I also know that they had some small, legitimate greivance with me. So I have a really hard time telling myself that the these incidents were totally undeserved. I can't move past them. Hell, I still get flashbacks of the time my first grade teacher yelled at me for telling a kid there was no Santa Claus (I didn't do it out of spite, I was just the kind of kid who liked to show I was smarter than everyone else.) When I messed up writing down my schedule and didn't show up for work on Thursday, Lori was really nice about it, but still, all this stuff came to overpower me again. I'm not sleeping well. Either I have trouble sleeping, or I sleep fine but wake up not feeling rested. I would really like to be medicated, but I'm unsure about whether that is advisable when I'm going to be pregnant in September.
And yes, I totally get that perhaps pregnancy is not a good idea in my present state, especially just going in to grad school. But I can't let my problems rule my life. I have plans for my future and I'm sticking to them. There are other factors at play here, and other people besides myself I have to think of. And I want this.
I'm getting so friggin' stressed that all of my old problems are coming back. To be quite honest, they've been rearing their ugly heads for some time now. My sex drive is next to nil. I don't want to be at home alone. Whenever I get upset all the bad things that have happened to make me upset in the past four years come back to haunt me. The same goes when I'm having trouble sleeping. I almost always relive that ugly scene when I quit Orientation, and when I left CIC after two weeks. These memories almost always include times I've been yelled at by an authority figure. And the thing is, I know these people yelling at me were overreacting and being unnecessarily authoritarian. Yet I also know that they had some small, legitimate greivance with me. So I have a really hard time telling myself that the these incidents were totally undeserved. I can't move past them. Hell, I still get flashbacks of the time my first grade teacher yelled at me for telling a kid there was no Santa Claus (I didn't do it out of spite, I was just the kind of kid who liked to show I was smarter than everyone else.) When I messed up writing down my schedule and didn't show up for work on Thursday, Lori was really nice about it, but still, all this stuff came to overpower me again. I'm not sleeping well. Either I have trouble sleeping, or I sleep fine but wake up not feeling rested. I would really like to be medicated, but I'm unsure about whether that is advisable when I'm going to be pregnant in September.
And yes, I totally get that perhaps pregnancy is not a good idea in my present state, especially just going in to grad school. But I can't let my problems rule my life. I have plans for my future and I'm sticking to them. There are other factors at play here, and other people besides myself I have to think of. And I want this.